A have to and a don't have to. Finally taking my courage in both hands and restarting a negatively charged process that nevertheless has to be done in the interests of a small human. I also did my taxes very early indeed just to get that shit out of the way - karma for the winter times of serving the evil google empire for cash before I realised the error of my ways and that I don't have to and won't do that thing not no more (Heidegger told me not to do that thing). Or, I tried to do my taxes very early. You'd think online would make it much simpler so to do... it's a fucking nightmare. They really need to simplify their service. I understand about security etc, but ffs I have no idea where I am on their site, it's so fucking frustrating as shitehawks, the shitehawk frustrating shitehawks... anyway, I had to print off the form from their shitehawk site and complete longhand! And I got some done. The rest next week. 'Twill be done.
And another reality, another dad word salad... unable to find words and yet anxiously aware of that lack, that inability. It must feel very frightening indeed.